It was my soul being crushed

It's been raining heavily, and it's very cold. It is hurting all the way down to the bone and soul.

Last night, I cared for a deeply distressed patient. He was convinced he was having a heart attack, describing a burning sensation in his face and left arm. Clinically, everything was normal, except for his psychological suffering.

I knew he wasn't pretending or exaggerating. He told me he and his family had spent the entire night freezing and soaked in their tent.

At first, he refused the medication I prescribed, afraid it might harm his already "diseased" heart. But as his restlessness grew, he agreed. What seemed to bring him the most relief, though, was not the medication, but feeling genuinely seen and cared for.

He eventually calmed down. Before leaving him, he apologized, saying he didn't mean to sound rude.

I'm sharing this as a reminder, to myself and to anyone who may have forgotten: we are human. And what we are living through is dehumanizing.

Right now, it's hard to believe I'll ever experience anything beyond the worst of this.

I believe working as an emergency doctor is one of the most difficult things a person can do in this life. Not simply because you are dealing with human lives and their pain, but because no one teaches you how to do this under such circumstances, carrying an exhausted body and dragging an emptied soul through endless suffering.

What we face every day feels unfamiliar, almost beyond what humans were meant to endure. Everything is complicated, even pain itself. Even death feels confusing.

I understand now that the feeling of being hit by a bus was not just physical exhaustion, it was my soul being crushed.