This life is so strange

I am in bed now, trying to sleep before my shift, knowing it won't be easy, as usual.

I am still sipping my coffee while my bed keeps shaking from massive explosions, and drones are ZZZZZing away any peace I could have. That's literal Zionism.

This life is so strange. You think you are seen, felt, cared for, then suddenly you feel abandoned, or simply not enough. There are always words, and you can find endless reassuring words, yet never a hand to hold or a smiling face to smile back at you.

Yes, I can survive more pain. I was destined for it, and I was forced to learn how, but my pain keeps erasing me, piece by piece, slowly. I feel parts of me are already gone, I feel it has forever erased me every time it made me feel hopeless and miserable.

I’m not as good, significant, kind, or loving as some may think. I am always less than that, but still human, and holding dearly to the little that remains, for everyone and everything that may become better because l exist.

I am disabled by this torture, unable to feel comfort. I am drowning in an ocean of hopelessness, and my pain is the only part of me still floating. No one truly understands a pain except the one who carries it. I have lost most of myself to all of this. I don't remember who I was before. I don't feel happiensss, and I can never remember the feelings, or the life that once lived inside them. When I am told I am enough, I feel sad knowing I was never enough, yet I still know it's not my fault.

l am alive, but my soul is gasping for something better, anything better, instead of faded memories that only torture me into emptiness. I could be erased in a moment, yet I've been promised to suffer it all. You wonder if even Heaven could fix everything.

All you need is mercy. You beg for it, and long for a soft, comforting place to rest your dying body. You are fatigued, trapped in a hell of pain. Everyone around you; especially your patients, carries this pain, not just from their wounds, or sickness, but as a constant cry for help and justice. They beg the world to save them.

You are only human. And that's okay. You just need some sleep, and a life.