As if I am no longer alive

I think I realized during my shift last night that I have a disability deep within me.

As if l am no longer alive. Most of my time, most of my seconds; I am absent, lost in endless nothingness.

A doctor in pain, treating a patient in pain, brought by relatives in pain. everyone is exhausted.

We are human. We have limits, we have capacity. We can collapse, even die, yet still keep existing.

I no longer believe l am a good doctor.

Everything is hard.

Everyone is the same.

Hardships never stop knocking at our doors, every moment, leaving us without even the time to pray for mercy, and strength.

It is more than hardship. It is a painful existence, a merciless extinction.

Endless pain, endless suffering.

The more exhausted I become, the less useful| feel, the more meaningless my existence seems.

My mind is fatigued.

My memory is weak.

My thinking is clouded.

Even simple decisions have become hard to make.

Everything is painful, everything is tormenting.

It is frustration beyond frustration,

exhaustion beyond exhaustion,

depression, pressure, endless challenges.

I could not find beds for patients in critical condition.

Everyone was seeking help.

The scene was unbearable chaos.

What is happening cannot be repaired.

What is happening cannot be endured.

What breaks my heart the most is that I could not give more.

My pain is nothing compared to the pain around me.

And I know my pain will not kill me; it only leaves me more and more tired. less