Here, your life does not belong to you

I'm blessed. This photo of me smiling is just for the algorithm; so that this post might reach human hearts and minds, so that my existence is not reduced to a mere number, but remembered as a story, and, if I do not survive, as a memory.

If I am blessed in anything, it is that I can still value my humanity, that I refuse to be dehumanized

Here, your life does not belong to you. If you walk too fast, you could be killed. If you slow down, you could be killed. Even if you walk in steady steps, you could still be killed.

What I am living through is inhumane, and it is a damning shame on all of humanity. Two years. Thirty years, since I was born, until I die. I was never given the chance to prove my worth as a human being. And now, just as I finally might, I am already dying. And yet, I am still asked to hold on.. hold on to what, exactly?

It's an awful life. Unbearable. Far more awful than words can capture. What I feel every single day is beyond heartbreaking..

Today, I lost a beloved friend, Mustafa; a gifted obstetrician, my senior doctor. He died of a heart attack during a long, stressful shift. I also lost another brilliant senior doctor, Abdelkareem, who was killed by the Israeli army months ago. Both of them taught me how to deliver babies safely, how to work with precision, how not to make mistakes. And now, both are gone.

I feel I might die the same way; from a heart attack, in the middle of one of my own shifts. Last night, after working through exhaustion, just as I was preparing to rest, an airstrike hit a nearby house. Only one man arrived at the hospital; an old man with deep wounds to his head. He kept repeating Alhamdulillah. He had just lost his son, whose wedding was next week. And still, all he could say was Alhamdulillah. Then I learned it was the sixth son he had lost in this genocide.

I know he is a good man. He did not deserve such endless loss and grief.

Can anyone in the world comprehend that?

No one cares enough. No one truly feels what I feel. And today, right now, I have no tolerance left for anyone's inhumanity, for anyone's insensitivity.

No one will ever truly feel, or truly understand me, or my struggle to preserve my humanity, and the humanity of those around me.

I never regret any attempt I made to survive. I just wish I hadn't survived, just to witness all of this

I don't wish to survive this anymore. Because why would I? My humanity and my worth are barely considered in comparison to the constant suffering I witness.