It feels like being thrown into a vast space

It feels like being thrown into a vast space, not knowing where you are going, or when you will arrive. You are moving forward while carrying human lives, responsible for their survival and well-being.

It feels like walking without caution through a field of bombs, anxious at every step. Living life here is like being paralyzed and still having to make the right moves, to prove your worth. Like being blind and forced to find your way through danger. It feels like practicing patience in hell. Like watching heaven from a distance, rarely allowing yourself to dream of it. Like trying to solve an endless, unsolvable maze.

It feels like living in a morgue. Today, everyone was short of breath and beyond exhausted, young and old alike. Lungs drowned in mud and organisms. So much pain that your attempts to ease it feel small, almost foolish. Such an unfair contradiction. A woman I treated today had a fever of 41°C, while babies died from the cold.

I think this pain and heartbreak will stay with me forever. This awareness of innocent suffering inside me will not fade. The ugliness and selfishness I sense in people feels like an immortal evil.

I wish I were a tree, standing tall, worrying about nothing except a bird that has not yet returned home, only to discover it resting on a nearby tree, laughing with a friend.

I wish I were the moon, far away from the senseless chaos unfolding in this world.

I wish I had the miracle to take power away from those who use it to crush the weak.

I wish | knew magic, so I could alter the cruel fate of living in an era that allows this to happen.

I wish to be free of pain, so I never stop trying to ease the pain of others. If life is not about what a person feels and thinks, then what is it about?

Seeing countless patients at the same time, alone, does not just tire my body, it sickens my mind. Not because of the work itself, but because of the sheer magnitude of suffering that demands care, relief, and dignity. I learned something today: never ask someone to wait before listening. Hear their first words, then decide. Some pain can wait. Other pain cannot wait even a moment.

Everyone was sick today, so overwhelmed by illness that even my stethoscope and my stamp gave out on the same day.