Struggling to feel alive

I didn't learn what I'm feeling right now in medical school. This isn't simple anxiety or the usual restlessness of a long shift. This is not written in books, not even in the darkest eras of history. These heart-shattering feelings were taught to us the hardest way; by living through what no one should ever witness.

And you don’t expect everyone to understand it. How could they? This is not normal. This is the result of all the abnormality that's tearing our world apart, and we became the horrific cost of greed and power The world is a warm planet, but it was made so cold, and cruel for an entire people; my people.

You are still here, not just breathing, walking, working, living, and dying, but struggling. Struggling to do better; to be more mindful of what you should and shouldn't do; while feeling disturbingly overwhelmed by both, because everything you need to try, you'll be trying it in pain.

Struggling to feel alive, and to share that life with everyone around yourself. You're no saviour, but you're trying to save everything, even though you are aware that what you can save is only a little; to end suffering and push away the cold.

Struggling to find peace in what you do and what you say. Trying to feel like a human being, and help others feel the same.

You are not just surviving: you're saving your life, and the lives of so many others. And it frustrates your soul and exhausts your mind that you know that everyone should have been trying to do the same.

You wish if everyone pays more attention to what must be done, so fewer innocents have to suffer. Because how can they find peace when they're fighting just for themselves, while others around them, fall one after another, and you know you cannot heal a world others refuse to look at.

Sadly, you don't know for sure if you will ever feel safe again. Life for you has become like a distan dream, that is fading away with everyday you are left to endure this.

The suffering you see in others, and the suffering inside yourself, can't be carried forever, and if you still have even a tiny piece of safety, youưd keep trying to share it, and hope that others do the same for those who feel none at all.